The First Year

I got married to the love of my life, Luke (who I have talked about many a time on this blog), on the 11 December 2016. Sitting here, on the 21 June, I'm only starting to realise that that was 1 1/2 years ago!!!! And here I was thinking that I was going to sit down at the end of the first year and review it - see what I've learned and how I've grown. Instead, the last 6 months has run away from me and I'm only sitting down now.

In all honesty, what really got me thinking about this recently was my current place of work. I am working for this awesome company, but my job is largely to sit by myself and process information. A lot of copy pasting or entering numbers. Which gives me a lot of time to my thoughts, music, and - as I have recently discovered - podcasts!

I was looking for podcasts for Godly women, preferably podcasts that did not focus on being a wife with children as - funnily enough - I'm a wife with no children. And maybe it was my lack of searching abilities, but I couldn't find anything. I could find podcasts for Godly women (generic ones - which are good) and I found Godly wives (but focussing on balancing this with children and teaching your children the way of the Lord - which is also good). But I couldn't find a podcast talking about marriage and navigating marriage as a young woman - without children. One which talks about your role in the household, or what women should know when they enter marriage/go throughout their first year of marriage.

Maybe this is WAAAAY to specific, but that is the stage I am currently in and I was in need of something encouraging. Now, I am not going to start a podcast, not at the moment with how busy life is with uni, and I also feel like, since I am in the middle of that stage, unless I talk about what we are going through and leave a lot of it unresolved (which might be a good thing), it is going to be a flop. Because you generally listen to these kinds of podcasts for answers. Or at least I do.

So if I am wrong in the above assumption, PLEASE let me know!! Are there podcasts out there that talk about marriage pre-children?? I would love to find some.

But until then, I thought that I would finally sit down and reflect. I am not going to go too in detail, but here are somethings I wish I had been told about the first year of marriage - the reality.

1. The Honeymoon Phase

Everyone talks about this moment in their marriage, kind of like when you first enter a relationship with someone - everything is peachy and great. Your actual honeymoon is fantastic, you come home, life starts to play out and you're still happy. You go to work or uni and you are all lovey-dovey. And then it hits. Reality. Something happens. Someone mucks up, or gives in to sin. Someone lies. Someone fails at something.

Do you know why? It follows this whole idea of "moving country to start a new life only works if you leave yourself behind". The honeymoon phase stems from an idea that things will change when you get married - that YOU change when you get married. This, my friend, is the biggest lie I believed.

I went into marriage thinking I would no longer be lazy, that I would be a good, caring wife, that I would never lie. That when we joined our lives together that it wouldn't be ANY different to pre-marriage. Believing this lie makes reality hit even harder.

Now I'm not trying to be all "doom and gloom, everything sucks, life is hard, go into marriage without any expectations." No. Not at all. If anything, my marriage has refined me - but only because I allowed it to.

And it continues to refine me everyday. Marriage is hard because it places you, as a person, on full display to somebody else. And while this can be daunting and at times extremely difficult, it is also extremely rewarding.

My suggestion? Go into marriage with the right expectations. Don't think life will change instantly, recognise that it is a process, and be willing to step onto the journey. When you say your vows, or even if you have already said your vows, acknowledge that you aren't just promising to move in together. You are giving your spouse permission to encourage, build up and refine you, just as you will do for them. It is a journey - and it is so exciting. I have found that God has spoken to me MORE through my husband than ever before. Or maybe, it's because I am finally listening.

And one day, a few years down the track, you will be sitting on your couch mentoring a young couple - giving them the advice you are learning now.

2. Selfishness

Ahh the great topic of selfishness. Unlike a lot of people I have talked to who said they went into marriage thinking they were selfless - I went into marriage knowing I was selfish. But I was more trying to deny it than anything else. And, as I stated above, I truly believed that would change when I got married. How wrong I was.

Within the space of a day your entire life changes. You go from living at home, being independent, doing your own thing and making your own decisions to living 24/7 with another person. If your situation is similar to my own, then you have one car, so you are entirely dependent on public transport (unless you are me and you decide to move to a farm with no public transport nearby), or on your spouse. You no longer have anyone to cook you dinner so it is ready when you get home, you can no longer ALWAYS prioritise what YOU want to do, or where you want your money to go. It is no longer all about YOU.

Now that sounds extreme, and some of you probably go through your (I was about to say undergrad... -_- ) single life thinking those specific words. But when, in the space of a day, that changes, those thoughts start to come to your mind.

"Oh, I was planning on staying at uni until 5 today..."

"Normally it just takes me 30 minutes to get ready and get out the door, but because it's now two people it takes an hour"

"Oh, I was planning on taking the car today..."

"Oh, I was planning on making this for dinner tonight..."

Sometimes it is just a difference in ideals. Like where your tithe money goes to. Or where your savings go to (I talk about this in a later point - finance)

Now every situation is different, and these are the bear minimums of things that ran through my head. But one thing I have learnt is that marriage tests your selfishness and everyone I have talked to has said that they realised they were more selfish than they originally believed.

So what do we do? I don't have a strict answer for this, because it is a daily process. But one thing I have started to do is humble myself. Don't assume anything. Be open, put all of the ideas out on the table and talk it out. Lay out your case for why you want to do "____" and your spouse can do the same.

Luke and I did this for the first proper time the other night - a year and a half in!! And it was such a positive conversation. Because rather than going through life with expectations constantly being disappointed, you talk before the expectations are even set in stone.

3. Communication

This topic ties in a lot with the last two. Funnily enough, and contrary to popular belief, nobody reads minds. You can get to know someone's routine so well that you could GUESS their mindset, but you can never know exactly what they are thinking.

On the one hand, it is so frustrating. But on the other, it is a blessing. If we could read each other's mind, there would be no room for mistakes. You would always take offence at what came into someone's mind in a moment of frustration. But what comes out of your mouth is what really effects the relationship.

I was told at our engagement party: "never say anything you will regret later - you can't take words back". And it comes back to the verse:

James 1:19

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry"

Words hurt, and they are at the centre of selfishness and manipulation. Words become a tool for getting your way, for hurting another person to the core. But they are also so powerful in building someone up.

This verse has never been more evident to me before. Marriage has tested my limits. When you have had a crazy ridiculous day and you come home and your spouse is in a funk for some reason, it is so easy for the evening to go pear-shaped and a fight to break out. All it takes is just one or two words.

I know for myself that words make me feel powerful when I feel powerless and out of control.

One thing that Luke has asked me to do is to vocalise what I am thinking instead of mulling and assuming he knows and understands. If I am upset about something that happened at work, ask him to sit down and tell him "just warning, this happened at work and I am SO riled up..." that way, he said, he knows what to do. Last night was a perfect example.

I had an awful day yesterday because everything kept crashing on my computer and I wasn't understanding anything that I was trying to study. Then I got an awful head ache and had to go to work. And for the first time, I took Luke up on his suggestion and communicated with him. I told him what I was feeling, and you know what he said?

"Go sit down, I'll make you a tea, go chill out and have some headspace. I will sort dinner out, I'll give you a neck rub and you don't need to worry about a thing."

Because I communicated, he understood EXACTLY where I was at and could work with it, rather than getting frustrated that I wasn't pulling my weight or moving quick enough. Communication changes EVERYTHING.

So to sum up: be careful what you say, because words can't be taken back. But also speak and let the other person know where you are at in a constructive way, they can't read your mind, but if you let them know where you are at, they can work with that and work with you.

4. Teamwork

And again with this tying into the last few! :D

One thing that I have learnt through marriage is that when you become two, you become a team. Team players train together, encourage each other and work together, not against. To work against your team invites division and you will probably lose the game.

I'm not saying that marriage is a game, but imagine that you and your spouse are a team and life is the match.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

I found this one hard - especially because of how selfish I was - because I didn't want to relinquish control. I am one who has grown up thinking that if I don't delegate and just do it myself, I know it will get done to a good standard, and it will actually get done. Too many times have we all had group projects where someone doesn't pull their weight and you have to work double at the last minute to get it done. I went into marriage expecting the same - almost wanting the same. I would do what I wanted, when I wanted, to the standard I wanted. "I want" being the key words there...

But your spouse is there to work with you to lighten the load, just like you are there for them for the same reason. Just like God is there for us - if only we would learn to turn to him rather than turn away from Him.

My suggestion? Try. Try to relinquish control. Allow them to make mistakes because it is through the mistakes that they learn. And for all you know, you may be surprised. They might actually do a better job than you ever thought you could do because they had a different idea and perspective.

Marriage After God has an awesome explanation in this video where they talk about something as simple as mowing the lawn or fixing something. If you never give them the opportunity, how will your spouse ever have the opportunity to learn?

5. Celebration

This is the most exciting thing I have learnt. In fact, I have posted about it so much on my Instagram because it is so exciting. Celebrate even the small things.

Rather than waiting for the big picture things, what I learnt growing up was to celebrate the steps. My parents had this policy where if we got an A (Excellence in New Zealand) we would get to choose dinner - usually take out. Now that I've grown up, I've carried that policy into my marriage. Yes, my husband and I still celebrate the A's and then do a HUGE celebration on the graduation, but we also celebrate the small things. If Luke's gets a new client, we celebrate. I VERBALLY SAY: "Congratulations, I am so proud of you"

Because buying gifts doesn't really mean anything. When it comes down to it, it is about the acknowledgement of an achievement. Acknowledging the hard work that went into that job.

Not to bring a downer on this topic, but if you are struggling with sin, celebration can really help with this. To use myself as an example, I went through a phase of being extremely lazy. Life got really busy, I burnt out, I stressed out, and I gave up before even starting things. I would go full days without studying. I would turn up to work unprepared because I just wasn't coping with how busy life was.

But Luke supported me. When I got a reading done, he would congratulate me and encourage me to start the next one. When I wrote a paragraph he would ask me to read it to him and congratulate me for being 250 words down. Eventually, my sin of laziness got easier. I felt good working. To the point that I have days where I just sit down and knuckle it out now. And yes I still fail, yes I have bad days. But over all, his celebration and encouragement brought me out of my sin into a place of healing and redemption.

6. Finances

I went intro marriage having worked for almost five years at a steady job. I had my own finances, I had my savings account. I thought that I was set! Now I'm not saying you have to put all of your money into a savings account, but I truly had a separation of finances mindset. Luke and I sat down the other day and watched "How To Get Out Of Debt" by Marriage After God and I realised how much of a toxic mindset that CAN be. I'm not say it is, I'm saying it CAN be.

Because:

His debt/bills/things he wanted were his prerogative. If he wanted a part for the car, it can come out of his own money. Even though the car is ours, and I use it to, he wants to buy it, he can pay for it. But it was due to my lack of understanding that the car needed this thing or it wasn't going to run. And if he had put extra money into the power bill or fuel and he didn't have that money, realistically, my pockets should be open for him.

Also, I am not saying that he can just walk all over my bank account and buy holidays for himself of buy a coffee and lunch every day. But I struggled to get out of the idea of his/my money. Rather, it should be our money. I should be valuing our relationship and trying to promote a lack of stress due to financial issues rather than creating division in my marriage just because I want the money to myself.

Because:

It started to promote lying. I EXTREMELY dislike this part of myself, but I am SO prone to lying. If it will get me out of a situation I don't like (like, no, I didn't eat the last piece of chocolate this morning... or I did MOST of the dishes!!! but in reality I only did a few and stacked the rest in a way that made it look like I did more because I procrastinated for the rest of the time) <-- wow that sounds awful!!!

But it did. I had my account, with my password, which he did not see. And if I felt like I deserved a coffee, then I went and bought one, even thought I KNEW that he was saving and not buying coffees. What he didn't know couldn't hurt him, right?

Wrong, because withholding information is manipulation just as much as outright lying is.

Now, this isn't a big issue that deserves a SERIOUS rethink about whether we should be married or not, but it revealed to me an underlying problem that I had. My priorities, my worth, my hope, and my security were in my bank account with my hands clenched around my money. I have been learning to live with open-handed generosity directed up to God so that instead of me determining where my money goes (or doesn't go), I am opening it up free to go where God wants it to go and being generous.

7. Forgiveness

This is a tough one. Because it get's personal. Forgiveness only has to occur when we have been directly hurt. While I wish I could say, "Just forgive! Encourage them to do better next time!" sadly, this isn't a reality.

Forgiveness is hard, and that is okay. BUT, throughout marriage, my perspective on why we forgive has changed radically. When one sins, it is not out of spite (often), it is because Satan has a hold on an area of their life. When I would sin against Luke, it is not because I wanted to hurt him, I just felt that I had NO control over what I was doing. Just like when he sinned out of humanness, it was due to Satan's carefully planned temptation.

And guess what, we will both keep sinning for the rest of our lives. Because we are human. And forgiveness will always have to occur.

On top of this, I have also had to learn to forgive MYSELF. Because when I sin, I am not only hurting Luke and God, I am hurting myself. To hold onto that would be to give Satan a bigger stronghold over that area.

Where I used to believe that sin required harsh consequence, one thing I have learnt is that sometimes humbling yourself, and forgiving even when it is hard brings more healing and actually humbles the other person.

Say, for example, that your sin is anger. And you get to the point where you are searching for a fight, you want your spouse to retaliate. If you shout and they shout back, it feeds the fire. If you shout and then reply calmly, what does that do? You can keep shouting but eventually your fire will burn out because there is nothing to fan the flame.

When I have gone to Luke in repentance, asking for his forgiveness for something I have done, I have gone expecting him to be angry and to not talk to me. Instead, I have been so surprised. He turns to me and he says that he forgives me. And though he still has to work through the pain and I have to re-earn his trust in that area, without holding on to the pain, break through can occur. I feel more ashamed and saddened every time I sin after that knowing that all I am doing is hurting my integrity.

So I challenge you to seek forgiveness. Don't lie, just lay it all out, and respond humbly. Give the situation into God's hands and allow him to deal with your hurt and pain.

Here is a video that helped me a lot with this. And while this may be controversial, I have learned that divorce is not an option. If it is an option then it will be turned to when things get hard. If it is not on the table, then that card can never be played. Luke and I don't have deal breakers. Because God does not give up on us when life gets hard. So though life gets hard and we have a lot to work through, we know that giving up is not an option. Therefore, the only other option is to work together through the pain - and ask for help.

8. Ask for help

I left this one for last because I feel like it is a nice summary. I have written a post on this in terms of resources we have used online. But recently I have started implementing a different area of this.

Everyone talks about finding an older, Godly couple to mentor you. And I didn't really believe it/try it until a few months ago. It didn't help that we didn't really know anyone. But when things got dire, and I felt like I wasn't coping anymore, I turned out in desperation to an incredible Godly woman who is in the next chapter of her marriage. I reached out and asked for help. God has worked through this woman so much in my life, and is continuing to work. This idea of refining, just like I wrote about above, has played out so much. Because she has gone through what I am currently going through. She has experienced the first few years of marriage and understands the challenges of changing your life.

It is biblical to align ourselves alongside others. Read Titus!! Because why else am I writing this blog? So you guys can learn from my mistakes. Just like I am learning from hers. While we live in a society that applauds "doing it yourself", we weren't made to do that. We were made to live in community with others, being honest and open so that we can work together to have break through.

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So that is it. Just 8 things that I feel like changed my life dramatically in the last year and a half. Marriage is a true shake up. And while it is the best thing that has happened to me, it is tough and it takes work.

I hope this helps someone by shedding some light on the first year of marriage. It is beautiful, and there are some amazing parts, but I had to align my expectations with reality before I could appreciate those spectacular moments.

I'd love to know what you guys think. How was your first year of marriage? Are you about to get married? What are you worried about? Are you in the middle of your first few years? What would you add to this list?

Lots of love guys!!

Michaela.